I’m ready for marriage ... but he still in the test-drive phase

Dear Pastor,

I am 25 years old and I am short in stature. My present boyfriend is 5’11”. My former boyfriend was about my height and, whenever we had sex, I had a problem. I was always telling him that he was hurting me because of the positions he put me in. One day I said to him, ‘If you would stop trying to please yourself only, this relationship will not work’. He told me that I should stop complaining. I told him that lovemaking should be fun,but there was no fun in making love with him. We eventually broke up.

A girlfriend and I were talking about how some of these men can be selfish and only try to please themselves. My friend told me that she suggested to her boyfriend that they have a trial run before they got engaged. If they could not please each other, they would not get married. It has been working very well.

It has now been six months since this man and I have been together and, whenever I raise the matter of getting married, he says that he is still testing the waters to see if it makes sense to go through with the marriage.

I told him that it does not appear as if he is serious about me. Every time we meet, he is in my pants, and he has a very large penis. I don’t object to having sex with him but I am 25 and I want to settle down and have children. My boyfriend seems to just want to enjoy my juice and not commit himself to me.

I think we have had enough trial runs but he believes that we should do more, so I am thinking to myself that he is not serious. He is a handsome fellow and he makes sure that he calls me every day to check up on me. We are not living together. That is one thing I am not prepared to do unless I am married. Many times my boyfriend has tried to sleep over but I do not allow him. I am renting from an older couple, and they told me when I got this place that, if I have a man, it should be just one man.

When I broke up with the other guy I had introduced to them, I told them, and I introduced my present boyfriend to them. They told me that they hoped this relationship would last.

This guy has a good job and I love him, but I don’t know what I have done or what he expects me to do before he takes me down the aisle. Many times I ask him whether he is happy with me and he tells me yes, but I don’t know whether to believe him. We don’t go out much. We spend lots of time at home eating, drinking, and having sex. I wonder if I should give him an ultimatum, because I am tired of waiting on him.

E.

Dear E.,

I am sorry that you agreed to have a trial run with your boyfriend. He knows better. I was talking to a young man from Nigeria and he believes that a man should always touch the waters first. His idea is that not only should he be involved with one woman, but with as many as possible.

I was surprised that he believed that, because he is a Christian. Evidently, he had tested enough women because he eventually got married. He was not a good husband; he did not treat his wife well. After having a couple of children with his wife, he went back to Nigeria.

You have not said how old this man you are having this relationship with is. Although I am reluctant to tell women to give men an ultimatum, I am afraid that, if you set that ultimatum with this man, he would use you and leave you. Therefore, you should tell him that you are tired of giving him your all and that he is not telling you what he intends to do.

Pastor